Love is Weird
by EleazarTheUnforgotten
Summary: Luffy goes on a quest to figure out what love is, why it matters, etc. Yes, it's very corny. No, I won't apologize. Many hypothetical relationships between characters, but few actual ones. Before Punk-Hazard. Not AU except that I probably give Luffy more credit than necessary in the brains department. Read and Review! All comments appreciated. M for language and risque topics.
1. Chapter 1

I do not own One Piece

The Thousand Sunny was really much larger than the crew often gave credit. As Usopp lounged on the soft grass on deck, it occurred to him that he has probably only entered less than half the rooms on the Sunny on any usual day. If he had a diagram of the ship, could he name each room and it's purpose? Maybe if he had help, like Robin or Nami. With their combined effort, the sniper imagines they could probably pull it off. He sat up and leaned against the main mast, rubbing a few blades of the eternally green and healthy grass between his thumb and forefinger in one hand while trying to count all the different locations onboard with his other.  
"... kitchen, Franky's workshop, my workshop, library… ah…" he listed and quickly realized that he would soon need to use both hands several times before he finished.

The furry resident doctor began to stir a few meters away as he heard the long-nosed man mumble something under his breath. Chopper didn't mind, he came out to the lawn with Usopp an hour ago for a post-lunch nap. He wasn't really tired, but it seemed everyone else on the crew was busy and he never liked being alone for long if he could help it. Opening his brown eyes, he took a moment to appreciate the oddly peaceful and consistent open sky before turning to his friend, who had yet to notice the reindeer's movement.  
Said friend was now completely starting over his list after realizing he said aquarium possibly for the second time. In actuality, it was the third time. Of course, Usopp realized he could just find Franky and ask him, but told himself it was too easy that way. Not to mention that the shipwright gave them all a tour when they first set sail with the new ship, and Usopp didn't want to be teased by him for not remembering. His train of thought was once again derailed when he heard the high-pitched voice of his recently asleep friend ask what he was counting.

"Oh, I'm sorry, Chopper. Did I wake you?" Usopp was trying not to wake the doctor, and worried that he spoke too loudly.  
"Nah, I wasn't really all that tired anyway. Why are you counting?" On a do-nothing day such as this, Chopper was surprised he wasn't awoken by his captain's impatient proddings already. An hour nap on the Sunny was rare for those outside the sleeping quarters. Well, except for Zoro. But the young crewmember had a theory that the swordsman didn't sleep as much as he led the crew to believe. Before he could think more into the resident green-haired man's sleep, Usopp interrupted.

"I just realized that even though we live on this ship, I don't think I know it as well as I should. I mean, shouldn't I know my own home?"  
Chopper put a hoof to his chin in thought, then quickly came to the same conclusion as Usopp. It made little sense that they lived aboard the Sunny yet wouldn't be able to give the entire tour if someone asked. The reindeer wasn't even sure how many rooms the Thousand Sunny had. Thirty? A hundred? A thousand? As the doctor and sniper amused themselves with the absurd number of possible rooms on the ship, they didn't notice the arrival of another behind them.

"Aw shucks! I think it's SUPER cool that you guys think of the Sunny as home!" Said the blunette cyborg, moving into his one of his classic Franky poses. He also seemed to ignore the startled soprano screams of those he was talking to.

"Franky! What the hell, man! You know I have being-sneaked-up-on-by-a-large-cyborg-itis! You could have killed me!" Usopp screamed at the shipwright who just seemed amused at the discovery of this new disease.

"My bad, sniper-bro! What are you two dudes doing?" Usopp's mind went into overdrive to think of the perfect lie to tell the metal man. It needed to be believable but also make himself look amazing. That was the secret to a perfect lie; finding the balance between realistic and fantastical. Dragons? No, far too tame. Sanji finding a woman who'd appreciate him as much as he appreciated her body? Too extraordinary. Inspiration struck him in a moment of clarity.  
"I was entertaining Chopper with tales of my mysterious and dangerous origins."

"Ohhh, that's right! I heard you mention your father was a member of the Red-haired Pirates!" Franky seemed to buy the liar's tale, much to his relief. Chopper on the other hand, was about to call Usopp out until he became distracted by the cyborg's comment.

"Ehhhhh?! Really?! Usopp, you never told me that! Does that mean your mother was also a pirate?" Chopper didn't forget about their previous conversation, but he needed to express how freaking cool that is. He would always regret that he missed the opportunity otherwise.

Usopp immediately wished he came up with a better lie. It wasn't as if he was ashamed of where he came from, and he did have some great memories of his mother before she passed away, but it hurt to remember how weak he was before he left Syrup Village with Luffy. Both Chopper and Franky met him after he set sail to become a great warrior of the sea. He didn't want them to see him as the immature boy who would run through his village and warn loudly about the attacking pirates he knew didn't exist. He still can't justify his actions to himself. Sure, he did it when his mother was sick in bed to give her hope that her child's father would return again someday. But he continued to do it daily after she passed in a pathetic attempt to convince himself that he still had family that would come back for him. It wasn't a pretty picture to remember and he didn't want his friends to see him as the boy he was, rather than the devilishly handsome and powerful man he is.

"My home wasn't that amazing. Well, it was because I was there, but that's all really. My mom used to weave baskets and waitress. She and my father were very much in love. But my mother knew that my dad, Yasopp, was born to sail the sea and didn't stop him when he went to rejoin Shank's crew. She was an amazing woman. She didn't need to be some infamous figure to be a great mother to me. She was kind and loved me. That's all I could ask for. I think she would've liked Kaya."

Despite the waterfall that poured down the shipwright's face, he insisted that he wasn't crying. Even as he strummed his sad guitar and said he'd write a song about the beautiful memories of a mother and son. Chopper had a teary smile. The story reminded him of his own experiences with Dr. Hiriluk, even if Usopp wasn't the reason his mother died. With a small hum, the doctor decided more conversation was needed before his thoughts became too dark.

"Who's Kaya?"

"She's a friend from my hometown. Oh, she's also the one who gave us the Going Merry years ago." Usopp desperately hoped the blunette wouldn't do what he expected him to.

"A friend? A girl?"

Usopp's hopes crumbled. The cyborg looked as if he found sixty new flavours of Cola.

"Could our cowardly marksman possibly have…." He paused to create the maximum effect, "...a girlfriend?"  
The yells of fervent denial and Franky's laughter had Chopper holding his more sensitive ears with his hooves. The reindeer was beyond baffled. What was a girlfriend and how could having one possibly justify this excited reaction?  
"Oi. Who turned our sniper into a tomato?" It seemed the noise attracted attention as Zoro climbed down from the crow's nest. With convenient timing, Sanji also left his kitchen then for the same reason.

"Pfft. Like you can talk, you walking carrot." The curly-browed man would die before he let moss-head go a day without him mocking that stupid green hair.

"Say that again, you shit-cook!"

Zoro unsheathed Shusui as the blonde pervert pulled out a cigarette. The cook and the swordsman's oncoming spat was interrupted before it even began by the innocent doctor.

"Usopp? What's a girlfriend?" Silence descended upon all who were present. Usopp was trying to think of a way to answer without the cyborg teasing him more. Franky was unsurprised about the reindeer's query and stayed quiet in the hopes that the sniper would respond and give more material to mock him with. Sanji crashed onto his knees in despair that such a cruel world could raise a child that does not understand the wonders of a lady. It seemed that Zoro had somehow fallen asleep standing up. They've been sailing for years and somehow the swordsman still found ways to surprise them.  
Suddenly, the cook leapt to his feet with fire in his eyes. He was a man on a mission. The innocent reindeer was almost 18 years of age and it was the job of a real gentleman to show the poor creature just what he's been missing.

"Don't worry Chopper. I will educate your young and so easily impressionable mind!"

"Get away from him swirly-brow! Don't force your perverted ideas onto him!" Zoro wasn't about to sit back and let swirly-brow turn Chopper into his clone. Robin would murder them all for that, regardless of whose fault it was. It may have been years, but the images of Franky joining the crew still haunt most of the males aboard. Especially Franky himself. The cyborg refuses to talk about it still, but his eyes teared when Chopper last asked about the pain.

Usopp took this tense moment to slip away into the ship before Franky remembered why this was all happening in the first place. Franky himself had a mix of emotions. On one hand, he wanted to go follow the sniper and mock him mercilessly. But on the other, it looked like the little doctor was about to be ripped in half by Zoro and Sanji who grabbed onto one of his arms each and began a game of tug-of-war in the heat of the moment. The cyborg usually avoided getting in between those two for the sake of his health, but the little guy in the middle wasn't looking too good. Luckily, the shipwright was saved from his moral conundrum when their captain finally came to see what the hubbub was about. Luffy was not a smart man. In fact, many have said they've never met a bigger idiot. But even he could tell that something about this situation seemed strange. But what could it be? He looked at Franky; nothing strange there. Zoro and Sanji? No, they're fighting like usual. But wait! They've got some brown stretchy ball they're pulling around. Luffy scratched his head, knocking his straw hat to the back of his neck. That brown ball looked very familiar.

"Oh, that's you, Chopper! Chopper, when did you eat a gum-gum fruit?" The reindeer was being stretched to degrees that should've been possible for Luffy and Luffy alone, so the question was actually not as stupid as it sounded.

"I...ugh...didn't." Chopper was barely able to wheeze out.

The two men who were pulling finally realized what they were doing to their poor friend and dropped him unceremoniously onto the deck with an apology. Luffy wasn't sure if he should say anything, but the stretching they did to Chopper did make him look kinda… wider. Behind the doctor, Franky also seemed to notice the difference in Chopper and silently pulled out some measuring tape to estimate the doctor's new width. The reindeer didn't seem to notice and asked his captain what a girlfriend was.

"Hmmm, I dunno. But I'm not good with words. Shishishishishi! Robin reads a lot though, so she should be. We should ask her!" 


	2. Chapter 2

It took the captain and his doctor far, _far_ too long to find the archaeologist. There was nowhere to go. They were in the middle of the new world with no islands in sight. Yet still, the boys spent hours looking for their crewmate. If they had trouble finding something on the ship, who knows how Zoro stays alive? Luffy began to wonder if perhaps Franky built almost too large a ship….

Nah.

Chopper was ashamed. After hours of searching for Robin, the boys were about to call a meeting and organize a search party when the library door opened and she walked out with a yawn. The reindeer has an incredible nose, he should've been able to track her down in no time. And in such an obvious place! He disappointed himself.

"Oh, Robin!" Luffy called, ignoring his sulking friend, "Me and Chopper were looking everywhere for you!"

"So I've heard, Captain. Sanji delivered me a smoothie earlier and mentioned that you were looking for me. He then kindly offered to take you boys off my hands if you annoyed me so he could give you a "proper education on the wonders of the mellorine". I'm guessing you have a question involving women?"

Robin gave the boys time to think of an answer and sat down on one of the reclined chairs on deck, crossing her legs with both hands on her knee in patience. Luffy seemed entirely baffled by what she said. Chopper looked as if he was about to ask a question and would then hesitate before trying again and once more hesitating. Finally, he seemed confident in how he wanted to phrase his question.

"Maybe? I think so. Franky said Usopp had a girlfriend. Usopp says he doesn't and looked flushed, as if he had a fever, but he didn't have a fever. Robin, what's a girlfriend?" The question was very innocent and made the archeologist giggle a little while she thought about how to explain it.

"Hmm, what a question. Say, what do either of you know about marriage?" Robin wasn't sure if this plan would work, but it couldn't hurt, right?

Luffy was quick to answer, "It's that thing two people decide that they want to live in the same house and eat food together every day. Oh and sometimes they bake this really big cake and cover it with frosting and meat!" The answer was more than Robin hoped for from her young and naive Captain, although she wonders if the 'meat' part was something he'd seen or just added on in his imagination.

"Not entirely, but you're very close. Marriage is an expression of love between two people." Robin knew saying that was a mistake because Luffy looked like he understood what she was saying. Luffy _never_ understands what she says.

"Oh, perfect! Chopper, come with me! We're throwing Sanji and Zoro a wedding!" At this point, Robin was flabbergasted. Where had she gone wrong? To be fair, there's different kinds of love, so that could understandably be misconstrued, but _this_? Luckily, it seems Chopper was willing to clear up some of her confusion.

"That's perfect! If they do this, maybe they'll stop fighting so much! Robin how do people get married?"

Robin knew she needed to stop this before it got started. It would be amusing to see the flustered horror on the swordsman's and cook's faces, but she wanted Luffy to survive today. Or at least not have his death be on her hands.

"No, they can't get married. It's not that kind of love, doctor. The love involved in marriage has a direct connection to sex." She desperately hoped they would accept that answer and Luffy would just say 'guess it's a mystery'. She knew that the both of them were at the age where they should know about sex, but she wasn't sure how comfortable she would feel explaining it to the often very childlike reindeer.

The two with her were not given time to respond because at that moment, the door from the kitchen burst open and Franky walked out yelling, "Ow! I almost thought I heard the magic word for perverts all over the world!" He was followed by Brook sipping a glass of tea and Sanji who went to give 'Robin-chwan' a cup of tea. Luffy and Chopper looked much less excited after Robin's explanation about marriage and sex.

"Eh? It's just for sex? Damn, that's boring."

"Oh well, doesn't really answer our girlfriend question, though."

What was just a jovial mood very quickly stilled as the crew took in their reactions with uncertainty and disbelief. Their musician even stopped drinking his tea mid-sip. It was Robin who decided that since the others were not involved with the conversation, she should be the one to broach the subject first.

"Chopper-kun? You know what sex is?" Robin often treated Chopper like a child, playing with him and patting his head. She didn't want to believe he wasn't as innocent as he looked.

The reindeer looked both confused and offended by her question, "Of course I know about sex! I'm a doctor. How could I call myself a doctor if I just was completely ignorant about that whole system of the body. I helped Dr. Kureha deliver children on three different occasions on Drum Island!" His answer was very clinical, calming Robin's worries about him ever becoming a little Sanji. Franky nodded at the little guy's explanation before looking at Luffy.

"Mugiwara, you also know about...sex?" It was the first time in the cyborg's life he had ever felt so uncomfortable and nervous when bringing up the topic. The tension in the air was thick. Luffy looked at him like he was stupid.

"Sure I do! It's when-" what happened then was the crudest, lewdest, most vile description of sex any present parties had ever heard. To make matters worse, to accompany his words, Luffy made some absolutely strange and incredibly suggestive hand motions to depict what he was saying as he talked. Robin dropped her tea and the porcelain shattered on the ground. She had never heard anyone say such disgusting things and very uncharacteristically blushed like a schoolgirl. Brook had never even heard half of the slang used by the younger man in all his life and afterlife, but the rubbery motions his hands were making gave the skeleton chills down his spine. Franky recovered from his shock fairly quickly and actually pulled out a stool and pad of paper to begin taking notes. Occasionally he'd raise his hand and stop his Captain some clarifying questions such as: "How many at once?", and "How deep is that in centimeters?", or "But what's that part with your pinky?" It only ended when Sanji had enough and kicked Luffy into the mast.

"You idiot! How dare you say that in front of a lady?!" His feet were on fire as he glared at the captain.

The hole in the ship made by luffy's flying body was silent until he poked his head out, "Eh? Sanji, what was that for? I wasn't done!"

The cook and his captain argued heatedly while the others recovered from the shock of luffy's explanation of sex. Franky asked Brook if some of the acts described were even possible for the average man without Luffy's flexible rubber body. Brook truly wasn't sure and the ruminated on the subject, ignoring the captain's cries as sanji sent a barrage of fiery feet at his face. Chopper wanted to have a discussion with Robin and ask her if she, like him, didn't believe any of what luffy had said to be medical terminology, but it seemed she was hesitant to talk about it for some odd reason. Doing her best to change the topic, Robin finally noticed something peculiar about her small friend.

"Chopper-kun, has your, erm… _diameter_ increased recently?"

Sanji's foot stopped an inch away from impaling the rubber idiot again as he heard the mellorine. It's been a long time since he felt this nervous. He loved Robin, truly, as he did with all the lovely ladies of the sea and beyond. But if she knew he had a part in the doctors strange but subtle new condition… he shuddered to imagine how he could impress the ladies with a bruised face and missing teeth. Thinking quickly, he turned on his heel and announced that he would mix "Robin-chwan" a drink in the safety of his kitchen which was conveniently located on the other side of the ship.

The blonde man left too quickly, and Robin was suspicious. Since when does Sanji leave before checking to see if there was anything he could assist her with or if she was hungry enough for him to bring her a snack? He knew something and was running away, she could feel it. A dark aura could be seen around her and she was about to hunt the chef down and make him squeal but stopped when she heard the sound of sniffling. Looking down, she cursed and decided it would have to wait. Emergencies come first.

"Robin," Chopper said in a soft voice as tears streamed down his face, "Did you really mean that? Am I really fat?!" The reindeer could barely be understood between the sniffles and tears, but the crew watching the situation knew exactly what he meant as looked up at the archeologist with his big wet eyes. They watching also knew that despite her apathetic face, inside her mind, Robin hears the sound of alarms blaring in panic at this unexpected turn of events.

Luffy wasn't worried. Robin knew how to handle Chopper. If anyone could calm him down, it's her or Zoro. His real concern for the moment was getting back to the most important matter at hand: dinner. And then after dinner, finally finding out what a "girlfriend" is. With Robin being preoccupied for the moment and Franky now busy repairing the hole made before, he thought this might be a good time to ask Brook. The skeleton man was in the corner with his violin, offering to play a song that might lift the poor doctor's spirit.

"Hey, Brook! I forgot because Sanji got angry before! What's a girlfriend?" The skeleton man considered his naive captain's question before deciding he was really too old to answer the question in a way he might understand. After all, what Luffy described as sex was practically another language to the musician. It seems kids these days don't view such topics with the same eyes as those before, not that he had any eyes, yohohoho! With such a sensitive topic, it might be best to have someone who seems more used to the young man's peculiar wavelength.

"I'm not sure I really know how such things are thought about in this day and age! Why don't ask our sleepy swordsman? Despite your many differences, you two always seem to know how to communicate with each other. I would guess that's why he's such a good first mate! Either way, it probably couldn't hurt." He said apologetically with tip of his hat.

Luffy thanked his friend and ran from the room in search of Zoro. Brook went back to his retrieve his violin, listening to the sounds of Franky's hammer, young Chopper's now quieting sniffles, and Robin's hushed words of comfort to the self-conscious reindeer. The musician took the calm atmosphere as a good sign that Robin may now feel more inclined to show him her panties. Before he could even ask her however, two hands appeared on his shoulders to clamp his jaw shut. The same dark chill resurfaced in Robin as she glared at him and Brook accepted that he may have been a bit too hopeful to ask at this moment. Oh well, he'll ask later instead.

"Aaaaaaand done! Woo, this crew always keeps me working!" Franky said to the skeleton and began to put his tools away into a nearby box, "Ow! Today seems like it'll be fun with Mugiwara asking so many tricky questions, huh?"

"Indeed, it's days like today that remind me why it's so great to be alive. Not that I am alive! Yohohohohoho! Skull joke!"


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N Thank you to everybody who reviewed! It means a lot to me. I have never been a fan of lengthy author's notes, but I feel it is a good idea to let any readers know that this story is rated M for language and implications. I may also write lemons later but I doubt it. I'm leaving the option open for myself though, so let me know how you would feel about it and if you think the story would ever really benefit from it. Admittedly, romance hasn't been very prevalent yet so it's difficult to judge, but I want to hear your opinions if you feel like sharing them. This chapter is a little short and doesn't have many characters but I'll make up for that in the next one.**

The sun was beginning to set by the time Luffy climbed the crow's nest, and the young man worried that this talk with Zoro might go into dinner time. But then he opened the hatch and saw the sleeping green-haired man snuggling with a bottle of sake and realized it probably wouldn't take long at all. Zoro and Luffy have had maybe five or six full conversations in their time as crewmates. They were never awkward with each other, but both came to the understanding that words took too long and all that needed to be said could be done with a significant look or shrug of the shoulders. Luffy rationalized this process as "mystery silence". It worked particularly well in battle, but it would work fine here too, right?

"Ooooiiiiiii, Zoro. Come on! We need to do this before dinner!" Luffy didn't tell him what it was about. He just figured it was one of those things said with "mystery silence". The swordsman slowly opened his right eye and remained unmoved as he stared at his captain. Then he sat up and took a swig of the sake bottle he'd been holding. The captain didn't say anything and waited. This was just how Zoro does Zoro.

"So," The swordsman finally began, "who told you to come to me? Certainly wasn't shit-cook; I know that much." Of course he knew what Luffy was here for. It's been the talk of the crew today. Who knew the optimistic young idiot's idea of sex would be so kinky? Zoro certainly didn't. The only thing he ever thought Luffy might know how to make love to is a sirloin, medium-rare.

Luffy took a seat across from his first mate. This talk was already taking too long in his mind. He just assumed Zoro would know the answer he wants and tell him. Not all this unimportant build-up.

"Brook told me to talk to you when I asked him. I guess he didn't know. Do you know?"

Zoro's eye twitched slightly. Of course the skeleton sent Luffy to him. It made sense, he had planned on taking the life of whoever sent him this walking alarm clock but why would Brook care? He's already dead.

"So what did Robin say about it? Anything helpful?" Zoro really didn't want to have this conversation. It was weird. And he'd never had to actually discuss anything deep with Luffy before. He doesn't even know if it'll work. Also, it would probably take too long and Luffy would get antsy. And when Luffy gets antsy, he doesn't listen. No, Zoro most certainly did not want to have this awkward, emotional conversation and then be forced to repeat it because his captain can't pay attention for more than five damn minutes.

At this point, Luffy realized how badly Zoro didn't want to be here. He's beating around the bush too much. It's not like him. It's not how Zoro does Zoro. How cool! Luffy has never seen Zoro so uncomfortable without that woman who follows Smokey nearby. If the swordsman was gonna act funny about it, Luffy thought it was for the benefit of science that he treats this as an experiment and goes along with it. If he found out how to make Zoro this uncomfortable every day, Sanji might even let him have a bigger dinner.

"Robin said something about marriage and sex. Oh! And then she called Chopper fat and made him cry!" Zoro nodded calmly like the information wasn't surprising in the slightest. He needed to focus on the objective, otherwise this would take far longer than Luffy could handle.

"Ignore that last part, it isn't important. Anyway, with what the crew's been saying, I know you're not a virgin so I shouldn't have to explain why people have se-"

"Zoro, what's a virgin?" Zoro took a moment to process this and the gears in his brain grinded to a sudden halt as they struggled to make sense of the rubber-man's question. What does he mean, 'what's a virgin'? He's had crazy wild sex but he doesn't even know what virginity is?

"A virgin is a person that hasn't had sex before. You should know that by now!"

Luffy turned his head on an angle, "I should? Why?"

"Because you've had sex! It's a necessary piece of information involved in sex."

When Luffy told Zoro that he'd never had sex, the swordsman decided that if he wanted any of his sanity to be left by the end of the day, it was best to really stop making assumptions. In hindsight, of course this fucking moron has never had sex! Who the fuck would do it with Luffy?

When he first heard the rumours from the crew, he told himself it was probably that empress, Hancock, that taught him. It made sense in a way. Any woman called the snake princess has got to be into some freaky acts, right?

"If you never had sex with Hancock then how do you know so much about it and all that other kinky shit you said to the crew?"

"Hammock? Why would I have sex with her? What does that have to do with anything. I know about sex from what the bandits and Ace told me." Luffy was enjoying this. He didn't know talking with Zoro like this could be so much fun. Although nothing has really made any sense so far.

Zoro decided to ignore the fact that his captain stayed for two years on an island with the widely considered most beautiful woman in the world, who happens to be in love with him, yet doesn't understand why they would have sex. This was normal for Luffy. Actually, the bandit thing didn't sound too strange either. Luffy makes a lot of odd shit seem normal. But the part Zoro was surprised about was Ace.

"Ace taught you about sex? Really, all of that was from him?"

"Nah, Ace just told me that sex made babies. Everything else was from Mogra and the guys." Zoro didn't know who Mogra was and he didn't care. He gave a sigh of relief. At least Ace told him something useful. Zoro has been sliced open and received scars upon scars but this must be the most pain he's suffered yet.

"So you know that sex between a man and a woman can make babies?" Luffy opened his mouth to respond but Zoro wouldn't let him as he reached out and pinched his lips together between his fingers. His patience with his captain was slowly running thin and every time he has said anything so far, it kept making more questions, "Just nod or shake your head!"

Luffy accepted his first mate's demands immediately with a sure nod. Yeah, it was hard to stay silent, but he reminded himself that it was all for science and food. Mmm. Food.

"Good. Well children are a lot of work and stress, so a lotta people try to avoid doing all of the care and work on their lonesome, which means they will have sex with someone who they think will do their part in taking care of any possible children. That's marriage in a nutshell. A promise to each other that you'll both do your part for the sake of your possible children. It's also a form of companionship. When you make a baby, you're gonna have to deal with each other more than you would others, so marriage is kinda a way to say 'I like you so much, I'm willing to be with you everyday as if we have children, whether we have any or not'. It doesn't always happen that way, but that's the goal. Got everything so far?"

Luffy gave another small nod. Zoro highly doubted that was an honest nod but decided to give his captain the benefit of the doubt and continued on.

"Because kids take so long to raise, it's decided that most should only get married to someone who they would be okay being stuck with for practically forever. Just makes things simpler. So what people do, is they do something called dating, where they decide they aren't gonna fuck with someone besides each other, and will spend more time together to see if they can make it as a married couple. It's a bit more complicated than that, but I don't think your brain is keeping up still and I don't want to lose you entirely. Basically, dating is acting almost as if you're married. In a relationship, which is when the people are either dating or hitched already, a guy is called a boyfriend and a chick is called a girlfriend. That's the answer to your big question. Get it?"

When Luffy nodded again, a vein almost burst on Zoro's forehead. There's no way he knew what it all meant. The hope would be that Luffy would ask a question to let him know he was listening at all. The swordsman glared at the younger man. Has he been understanding any of this? When did he lose him? Did he ever even actually have the idiot's attention in the first place? Zoro knew that the answer was 'probably not' and it made him even more furious. He let go of the captain's lips and began to yell.

"Then say what I meant! What did you just learn?!''

The rubber-man nodded.

It was well into the night and after a disturbingly quiet dinner that Sanji decided to go look for his captain. True, all of the crew enjoyed a dinner where they didn't have to guard their plates from stretchy rubber hands, but the chef made quite a bit of food for Luffy's absurd stomach and was worried that it would go to waste without the idiot there to swallow it whole. Brook told him while they were cleaning the table and washing dishes that he saw their dear captain climbing to the crow's nest earlier. It wouldn't be a bad place to check anyway, Sanji figured. Since both Luffy and Marimo missed dinner, it is likely they were together.

He pulled out a cigarette and took a drag as he walked to the ladder. Should he go up and bother moss-head or should he just save some time and yell up? The obvious answer was to interrupt whatever the cyclops was doing to piss him off, but he didn't want to make a big fuss after such a tranquil meal.

"Hey! Little lost marimo! You up there?!" Sanji shouted up before taking another puff of his cigarette. Luckily, he didn't have to wait long before the hatch flew open to reveal Zoro's angry face with a streak of blood flowing down from his forehead.

" _What_?!"

"I was going to ask about our missing monkey but it seems you've got bigger problems. Nice look, by the way. Very christmas-y." Sanji had a wide smile as he insulted his crewmate. He really treasured moments like these. They didn't come often enough, in his opinion.

"Shut up! And _neither of us are leaving here until either he understands or he dies_!" Finally, Sanji started to put some pieces together.

"Marimo, did you actually get so angry at our shitty captain that you popped a blood vessel?" It was hard to tell at this time of night and with the blood on his face, but Zoro seemed to flush in embarrassment at the cook's words. Said cook was struggling to keep composure and not burst out laughing like he so desperately wanted to.

Zoro gave a loud "humph" and slammed the hatch closed. The shitty swordsman's temper was just too funny and Sanji lost what composure he had left, hands on his knees as he howled with laughter.


End file.
